Ruby, age 5: Scientist
Ruby: Why is a dolphin a mammal?
Me: Because it gives live birth.
Ruby: What's that?
Me: Remember when Henry was born? How he came out of my body? Snakes and birds lay eggs instead of giving birth and they're not mammals.
Ruby: So boys aren't mammals?
I have two parents. Between those two parents, eight marriages have happened. I have four siblings that I am related to by blood, an extra set of grandparents that I got to keep, and a long list of step parents that I wish I couldn’t remember. With every new marriage came a new home and a new school. I went to four different schools in 2nd grade alone. I was good at saying goodbye. You...
Thanks, Yahoo Shine
What do men hate about your hair? What do men hate about your body? What wardrobe items does your man want you to throw out? What do men think about your flirting signals? What do men think about your GPA? What do men think about your BMI? What do men hate about the way you move your lips when you talk? What does your personal style remind men of? What are you doing to make the men dislike...
How to choose a spouse
When you walk through the door holding a cup containing a dead, desiccated frog you found at the park and then tearfully decided you couldn’t possibly “leave behind,” make sure you have chosen a spouse who kisses you and says, “That thing is awesome. Where should we put it?”
"Truth," or what is passing for it at the moment
We’re okay. We’re having good days. I’m feeling better: eating, sleeping. The kids are okay: I’ve really scaled down my internet/phone use and they are basking/being wonderful in the glow of all the new-found mama-attention. We’re living with a big shadow of uncertainty, though. Tony has had some odd little health complaints over the course of the last few weeks: a...
dictionaryofobscuresorrows: n. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like—as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind.
A discussion with an internet commenter
[scene: daylight, I am sitting on the side of a wooded path]
Me: [is bitten by snake]
Me: [to myself] Oh god, that was a copperhead. Those are poisonous! Fuck.
Internet Commenter: [passing by, looking down at phone]
Me: Hey! Hey! Can you help me? I've been bitten by a poisonous snake and I don't know what to do.
Internet Commenter: [looks up from phone; snorts] That's impossible.
Me: What! I was just BITTEN by a poisonous snake and now I am BLEEDING. [shows Internet Commenter the bite marks] What do I do??
Internet Commenter: [rolls eyes; adjusts glasses; sighs] I think what you mean is that you were bitten by a VENOMOUS snake. Snakes aren't POISONOUS. They secrete VENOM. You see, they have these glands--
A friend just posted a photo of a Ferrari SUV with a Romney bumper sticker that he saw downtown. I googled it and, even though they have not been officially released to the public, they apparently START at $160k, which is twice what my house is currently worth (LOL HOUSING MARKET). All I can think about is driving down there, somehow finding a way inside that car, and peeing all over the leather...
A short list of the father figures I have...
George. I was 5. He was 8. He was homeschooled, due to “emotional problems.” I think he had ADD. He always stuck up for me, and we’d spend our days rummaging around the free lumber bin at a local hardware store, nailing 2x4s together in the crude shape of a cross. They were “airplanes.” We’d climb to the top of the tallest tree in his front yard and throw them,...
This is where I am today
Every so often my brain breaks. The part of it that is responsible for ensuring that I remain a sane, non-weeping, productive member of society just ups and turns itself off. Goes on vacation. Takes a Long Winter’s Nap. I’ve had panic attacks and bouts of depression (hysteria? bad humours?) for the last 26 years, but I’ve never been officially diagnosed with anything besides,...