This is where I am today
Every so often my brain breaks. The part of it that is responsible for ensuring that I remain a sane, non-weeping, productive member of society just ups and turns itself off. Goes on vacation. Takes a Long Winter’s Nap. I’ve had panic attacks and bouts of depression (hysteria? bad humours?) for the last 26 years, but I’ve never been officially diagnosed with anything besides,...
When I was seven, we moved to the country. Brown County, Indiana. My parents bought an enormous house that sat on almost fifty acres of land. We had pastures, woods, a lake. We had an apple orchard and a tractor. Our house was almost half a mile back from the road, at the end of a windy and wooded driveway. Everything there was beautiful and I loved it, but we were very isolated. There was a...
On the bittersweet nature of certain holidays
My dad doesn’t know he was abusive. He probably doesn’t know that his mom was abusive, either, or her dad before her. He doesn’t know that he laid the groundwork for a series of abusive stepfathers, and that all of these things combined made me ripe for the picking by the Most Terrible Person I Have Ever Met, the boy who broke me in high school. I know that my dad loved me, he...
Fight me, Adam Sandler
I was scrolling through a Yahoo article (why, god?) about Adam Sandler’s newest movie That’s My Boy, and I saw this line: “To reconnect with his son, Donny (Adam Sandler) calls on the help of his good buddy Vanilla Ice. And honestly, what could be funnier than that?” Oh, I don’t know…EVERYTHING? Literally everything on this planet could be funnier than that.
Me: [to brain] Why so dizzy?
Brain: [to me] You've only eaten raw foods for the last 48 hours.
Me: [to brain] Why am I doing this?
Brain: [to me] Too weak to remember.
Me: [to brain] We're stupid.
Together: [sad Beaker noises]
The Double-Bed Dream Gallows
Driving through hot brushy country the late autumn, I saw a hawk crucified on a barbed-wire fence. I guess as a kind of advertisement to other hawks, saying from the pages of a leading women’s magazine, “She’s beautiful, but burn all the maps to your body. I’m not here of my own choosing.” —Richard Brautigan
Misogyny and Triggers
I know we’re all joking all of the time now. We spend so much energy trying to be funny and writing jokes. The more absurd the better; so many people try to walk that tiny, infinitesimally small line between “subversive” and “absolutely truly horrifying.” I joke that I’m sensitive and that I have too many feelings. I get upset sometimes and unfollow or block...